Justin Timberlake Has Something To Declare
Los Angeles, CA – The world was overwhelmed with nervous anticipation on Monday as rumours circulated that self-described musical phenomenon Justin Timberlake had something to declare to the world.
For many hours, pre-pubescent girls and boys alike gathered around his Los Angeles home awaiting an awe-inspiring statement from this legend-in-his-own-mind, who proudly wields 6 Grammy awards and wildly ambiguous sexuality.
As Justin’s adoring infantile fans looked on, he finally emerged to address the crowd.
“I would just like to clear things up about Jessica [Biel] and myself,” he said, with a shit-faced grin. “She truly insisted that she come with me on my latest tour. I don’t know how to say no to a pretty face. But it wasn’t really a good idea.”
He smugly added: “Jessica met up with me in Manchester, but for Paris I told her categorically no. This tour is very important for me. I'm doing it really seriously so there's no question of playing sweethearts!"
After this riveting account of these on-tour events, Justin randomly changed the subject to share something else that he presumes the public will care about.
“I defy a girl not to fall for me if I’m on a surfboard or snowboarding. It's my secret weapon if a girl resists me," he said. With this, the adolescent crowd erupted with cheers as Justin flashed a smile and walked back inside.
Content with his declaration, Justin then retired to his personal quarters where he continued to make progress in a personal quest to insert his engorged penis into his own anal cavity.
For many hours, pre-pubescent girls and boys alike gathered around his Los Angeles home awaiting an awe-inspiring statement from this legend-in-his-own-mind, who proudly wields 6 Grammy awards and wildly ambiguous sexuality.
The world anxiously waits on the edge of their seat to hear what this guy has to say.
As Justin’s adoring infantile fans looked on, he finally emerged to address the crowd.
“I would just like to clear things up about Jessica [Biel] and myself,” he said, with a shit-faced grin. “She truly insisted that she come with me on my latest tour. I don’t know how to say no to a pretty face. But it wasn’t really a good idea.”
He smugly added: “Jessica met up with me in Manchester, but for Paris I told her categorically no. This tour is very important for me. I'm doing it really seriously so there's no question of playing sweethearts!"
After this riveting account of these on-tour events, Justin randomly changed the subject to share something else that he presumes the public will care about.
“I defy a girl not to fall for me if I’m on a surfboard or snowboarding. It's my secret weapon if a girl resists me," he said. With this, the adolescent crowd erupted with cheers as Justin flashed a smile and walked back inside.
Content with his declaration, Justin then retired to his personal quarters where he continued to make progress in a personal quest to insert his engorged penis into his own anal cavity.
