Local Miscreant With Black Puma Shoes Defiles Area Bathroom; Still At Large
Strathroy, ON -- On Saturday, July 19th, area residents were enjoying themselves at the wedding reception of Danny Moniz and Kelly McIntyre. This reception featured a fantastic 5 course meal, open bar, and an excessive amount of undulation and/or gyration on the dance floor. While most experienced high levels of merriment from this combination, it was this same combination that produced disastrous results in a nearby public bathroom at the Strathroy Portuguese club.
Those who entered the bathroom encountered a noxious odour of extreme potence. One attendee made this comparison: "It smelled as if someone wrapped roadkill with a diaper filled with feces and Indian food, and then just let it fester for a few weeks". A very powerful analogy indeed.
Due to the force of this putrid stench, almost all of these men only had time to quickly peer below the stall to catch a glimpse of the culprit's footwear before racing outdoors to recuperate. Sources report that these men were bordering on hysteria, clawing at their own facial area as if they were trying to remove their nose and any olfactory sense from their body.
What piece of footwear was observed? A pair of black puma sneakers, a very unique choice.
There was only one man who met face to face with this vile human being. He was the most unfortunate of all. The father of the groom, Manuel Moniz, happened to walk into the bathroom just as the culprit was leaving. At this time, the odour had escalated to a level of toxicity the likes of which have never been smelled.
Later, Manuel was found inside the bathroom in the fetal position, trembling and slowly rocking back and forth in place. When asked who was responsible for this disgusting act, Manuel was unresponsive. Badly shaken, he could only repeat ".....steamer...." over and over again. Manuel was admitted to an intensive care unit to recover from his experience, which was well stocked with Febreze and Glade plug-ins.
Currently the manhunt continues for this puma shoe wearing criminal. Investigators find it very curious that this man did not choose to wear a more generic shoe that would make him much more difficult to find.
"He likely could have borrowed a shoe from someone else to commit this repulsive act," said Ben Young, a local investigator. "Because he chose not to, it's only a matter of time before we catch this Puma-wearing son of a bitch."
The Portuguese Canadian Club of Strathroy, the location of this heinous deed.
Those who entered the bathroom encountered a noxious odour of extreme potence. One attendee made this comparison: "It smelled as if someone wrapped roadkill with a diaper filled with feces and Indian food, and then just let it fester for a few weeks". A very powerful analogy indeed.
Due to the force of this putrid stench, almost all of these men only had time to quickly peer below the stall to catch a glimpse of the culprit's footwear before racing outdoors to recuperate. Sources report that these men were bordering on hysteria, clawing at their own facial area as if they were trying to remove their nose and any olfactory sense from their body.
What piece of footwear was observed? A pair of black puma sneakers, a very unique choice.
There was only one man who met face to face with this vile human being. He was the most unfortunate of all. The father of the groom, Manuel Moniz, happened to walk into the bathroom just as the culprit was leaving. At this time, the odour had escalated to a level of toxicity the likes of which have never been smelled.
Later, Manuel was found inside the bathroom in the fetal position, trembling and slowly rocking back and forth in place. When asked who was responsible for this disgusting act, Manuel was unresponsive. Badly shaken, he could only repeat ".....steamer...." over and over again. Manuel was admitted to an intensive care unit to recover from his experience, which was well stocked with Febreze and Glade plug-ins.
If you see someone wearing shoes like these, call the police immediately.
Under no circumstances should you engage, especially from the back.
Under no circumstances should you engage, especially from the back.
Currently the manhunt continues for this puma shoe wearing criminal. Investigators find it very curious that this man did not choose to wear a more generic shoe that would make him much more difficult to find.
"He likely could have borrowed a shoe from someone else to commit this repulsive act," said Ben Young, a local investigator. "Because he chose not to, it's only a matter of time before we catch this Puma-wearing son of a bitch."
