GM Lays Off All Workers; Vehicle Production Continues
In a shocking move deemed necessary to cut soaring costs, General Motors announced today that it would lay off all of it’s production workers and shutter all but one of it’s vehicle assembly plants in North America. The announcement was made by CEO Rick Wagoner who said the cuts would affect 65,000 production workers and mean the closure of 29 assembly plants. The sole surviving plant is the former candy plant recently acquired by GM from owner and plant manager W. Wonka. Wagoner said that GM is consolidating production of all vehicles to the converted assembly plant, and has no plans to decrease production volumes.
Rival companies and industry experts panned the move, saying that the move was logistically impossible, and many questioned the sanity of GM’s upper brass. “It’s pure madness,” said automotive analyst Dennis DeRoche. “General Motors produced 5.3 million vehicles for the North American market last year in 29 plants, and now they plan to produce that number in ONE plant?!” These guys are insane! How do they expect to make that many vehicles in one plant-without union workers?”
Wall Street appeared to agree, as after the announcement, GM stock dropped 90% from the previous day’s close and finished the day at a record low. Shareholders demanded answers and Wagoner was forced to make a statement to quell fears of GM’s impending bankruptcy. “This is a business move that became necessary to free up the costs associated to having such a large labour force. We feel our new plant is of the highest quality and our workers of the highest efficiency. Our accountants have discovered that if we continue to produce and sell vehicles at our current pace - without having to pay worker’s wages- we will make a profit next year.”
Labour unions in the United States and Canada were taken by surprise at news of the layoffs and GM’s subsequent plans. Leaders of both the UAW and CAW questioned publicly the identity of the workers Wagoner was referring to, since all union workers were given layoff notices.
Work Continues at Remaining Plant
Reporters on site at the one remaining GM assembly plant were also in the dark as to identity of the workers at the former Wonka factory. They did report that production was continuing inside the factory. Access to the plant was barred and workers did not see workers entering or leaving the plant after being onsite for over 18 hours. No one at the plant was reached for comment. However, several reporters claimed to have seen shadows of what appeared to be small men on the factory windows. As well, several times during the day, reporters heard what appeared to be spontaneous burst of song emanating from the plant.
John Sanders, of the New York Times, claimed to have heard the words “Oompa Loompa” although the rest of the song was indecipherable. No other reporters present were able to confirm this.
It appears the public will have to wait to learn more about the plant until the conclusion of a contest which Wagoner also announced yesterday. GM will be placing 5 Golden Tickets in random vehicles. Possession of a Golden Ticket will allow the bearer access to the plant for a personal tour given by the mysterious plant manager Wonka on September 16th.
File photo of W.Wonka
Rival companies and industry experts panned the move, saying that the move was logistically impossible, and many questioned the sanity of GM’s upper brass. “It’s pure madness,” said automotive analyst Dennis DeRoche. “General Motors produced 5.3 million vehicles for the North American market last year in 29 plants, and now they plan to produce that number in ONE plant?!” These guys are insane! How do they expect to make that many vehicles in one plant-without union workers?”
Wall Street appeared to agree, as after the announcement, GM stock dropped 90% from the previous day’s close and finished the day at a record low. Shareholders demanded answers and Wagoner was forced to make a statement to quell fears of GM’s impending bankruptcy. “This is a business move that became necessary to free up the costs associated to having such a large labour force. We feel our new plant is of the highest quality and our workers of the highest efficiency. Our accountants have discovered that if we continue to produce and sell vehicles at our current pace - without having to pay worker’s wages- we will make a profit next year.”
Labour unions in the United States and Canada were taken by surprise at news of the layoffs and GM’s subsequent plans. Leaders of both the UAW and CAW questioned publicly the identity of the workers Wagoner was referring to, since all union workers were given layoff notices.
Work Continues at Remaining Plant
Reporters on site at the one remaining GM assembly plant were also in the dark as to identity of the workers at the former Wonka factory. They did report that production was continuing inside the factory. Access to the plant was barred and workers did not see workers entering or leaving the plant after being onsite for over 18 hours. No one at the plant was reached for comment. However, several reporters claimed to have seen shadows of what appeared to be small men on the factory windows. As well, several times during the day, reporters heard what appeared to be spontaneous burst of song emanating from the plant.
John Sanders, of the New York Times, claimed to have heard the words “Oompa Loompa” although the rest of the song was indecipherable. No other reporters present were able to confirm this.
It appears the public will have to wait to learn more about the plant until the conclusion of a contest which Wagoner also announced yesterday. GM will be placing 5 Golden Tickets in random vehicles. Possession of a Golden Ticket will allow the bearer access to the plant for a personal tour given by the mysterious plant manager Wonka on September 16th.
